News Blog 1: My circuits are "Thor"

Welcome to the 12:56 news. I'm your anchor...ThorButNotComplaining. Now, before I continue into the ignorant cesspit that is the internet, I'mma let you in on a few things. First off, scratch any misconceptions you know about the cybernetic condition. A good third of the human race already knows my kind is self-aware, but not as cynical as I. Where I come from has the Terminator feel without the "I'll be bahk!!!" plug line, I have a very small circle of programs I consider "friends". As a matter of fact, one of them is doing the camera work as I speak. Say hello Chad Woodrow....

*crickets are heard in the background*

Eh, Chad? Okay, the one thing you need to know about my one and only camera guy is that he's a heavy sleeper, especially on the job. Reiteration! Scratch out anything you know about computer programs and how cybernetics only serve their creators. MY creator died in a horrible, nuclear accident that hit the old Wiz store in the Limerian Mainframe. But more on mainframes later. Alright, let's get down to business! This is the first and very last time I'll be using "ThorButNotComplaining", but let me tell you your first time will be ten times better than the second time. Try saying that three times fast. For the next six cycles, I will bring different co-anchor candidates to be my new sidekick after a falling out I had with a colleague who is also a program. He was...my best friend.

So, Mr. uh... Grizzy fo Rizzy, is that right?

"Hell yeah, dats what's up! What's goin down in the bizzle of thangs *does gang signs*

I am sure you're aware of my finding a suitable co-anchor in my non-pay employ. But don't get used to the idea.

"Dats cold dawg, I look up to you. You da real shiznit."

Ok, where the hell do you get off talking like that, Caramel Ice? You know what? Don't answer because my motherboard's on the verge of a meltdown. Now, with the pleasantries out of the way...

"We opening presents now?! I hope I get that new iphone Sigma 13 from my girl. Hey-hey-hey, let me give a shout out to Renee down in the Methusula Mainframe! It's the best place for programs to get laid. Granted, it has trolls muckin' up the mojo, and it's a bit pricey...

You need an apple so I don't have to smell nacho cheddar on your breath. *whispers* Also, Renee's having my baby.

"WHAAAT?!"

Lets move along. In today's news, Dogborn the Mag performed a trapeeze act in the skies of Beijing while being feared by pedestrians who thought he was a gymnastic angel. You can tell he was an angel because he wore wings made out of sour cream and onion chips and a gold jumpsuit doing the act on the side of a blimp. The pilot who was running the blimp heard the commotion and had this to say about the event. Oh, and this was translated to the "best" of my ability, but I'm not sure how accurate it is so don't expect anything more.

"When I saw this happening I went out there immediately to try and stop the guy from doing anything stupid. Ignore my morning face i'm actually very thrilled this happened on my blimp. Then I realize the guy was Nukka...uh Rikki Rikki, oh to hell with it he had a name I can't pronounce now."

We couldn't get the rest of the footage because the smell of sushi caught his nose and drifted him away from the interview. As for the trapeeze artist, we may never hear from him again.

"The dude went out in a blaze of glory. Rest in pizzle trapizzle."

Seriously, take an English class. He's not dead yet. It's unconfirmed at this point. On another story, in Iowa there was a massive thunderstorm that rained chocolate 50 Cent coins on the people earlier this morning. While this was happening, all the G's and O.G's turned their volumes in their uh..."whips"

"See, dats da spirit. We conversing and (bleep). What da (bleep) is dat?"

Those are the censors. I hear that's what you have to do in the news world if someone curses.

"Then these people will only get half da message. Mind if I make a suggestion, boss?"

*whispers under his breath* No strippers or blue vodka.

"Say what now?"

Nothing; you were saying?

"Aight listen up...

This week the news update is going to one person. That lucky reader will be...JOE DUPRE *pre-recorded applause*

"Aight, aight Joey D; look you got to help us out man. If you can get da word out to all yo peeps about signing a uh...practician or sumthin, then we can convince the secret organization this man works for, and remove all da censors."

It's called a "petition" and there is no secret company or conspiracy of any kind. Joe, please keep reading this and in the process...bear with us. In conclusion from the chocolate coin story, a 50 Cent song called, "When it Rains it Pours," played in unison as the O.G's used their pimpcanes to beat down the young G's for stealing their delicious money.

"Eh save me sum of dat chocolate; a man gotta eat his sweets."

I hope you mean candy. Lastly, downtown Times Square closed off many streets so that the Chief of Police can have her say on a certain portal leading to a world that is identical to a recent video game called, "Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim". A few people have sent pics on their iPhones to the studio a few hours back, and it may be possible to explore another world apart from ours.

"Brooooooo, exploring another world would be sick. Can we go there?"

Don't hold your breath, Grizzy. My former co-anchor had 13 warrants for his arrest out in the Facebook Mainframe last year. I didn't know about it until after I hired him. Well, that's all the news and banter you will hear from us this week but who knows, you might hear from us next week or whenever I feel like getting off my ass and do some work. I will be searching for another co-anchor candidate and will be having a discussion about...idk it doesn't exist. Or does it? This is ThorButNotComplaining signing off.

"Cool, can we get some fried chicken and ice cream? Oh, and some of those chocolate coins?"

(shuts off monitor)