News Blog #3: Livin' La Vida Karay-toes...?

Welcome back to the 1:43 news I'm your anchor... FranklyDon'tGiveACrap. We're in week 3 of 5 in the co-anchor candidacy competition; say that five times fast! Anyway, just a quick reminder when I officially start my news blogs with a set co-anchor I'll still be using different code names as my opening line; want to know why? I know you can't really respond back since I'm not a real person so I will tell you why. I firmly believe in a saying that was said by Solid Snake from the Metal Gear Solid series: "A name means nothing on the battlefield. After a week, no one has a name."

I haven't played the game myself, but the Overseer told me it's quite inspiring. The computer is my battlefield, my name is irrelevant, and of course after I get some Sims style margaritas in me I don't know what my real name is anyway. One last thing before I introduce my third candidate, Tony Ortiz is the overseer of his own facebook page as well as my boss on this blogging operation. You got any questions about news updates or if you would like to post fictional news suggestions, by all means message him. Okay, this week I did something different for the studio. Well, this next candidate actually did it since my budget is still trying to build.

Curse Skippy for burning my funds. This time we have an actual audience; guys give yourselves a round of applause *loud applause occurring* Yeah, I have a good feeling about today. Now, be silent this instant for dramatic effect!!! *applause dies down.* Welcome to the studio, Carlos Montone Pheramone Montez Cortes MuyLoca! *applause rises again as Carlos makes his way to the studio chair while Ricky Martin's "livin la vida loca" plays in the background* What a hell of an entrance. I didn't think Spanish music would be so catchy.

"Como estas jefe de anchor, and hola to my entire fan base!" *audience cheers louder*

Okay stop hugging me, or I'll have my cameraman Chad get the hose.

"Like hell I will; this is the first time I've seen your emotional side." Chad said behind the camera.

I have no side that's filled with emotions, Chad. Seriously amigo, remove yourself from my body and sit in that chair next to you.

"Oh sorry, I just like to be one on one with my fans. I heard about your hiatus a few months back. Sorry you took a major blow from that foul mouth."

That's alright Carlos. He is in places unknown and will never be seen again. Our top story today, Minnesota was greeted by a group of tofu fighters that wielded AK-47s and wore Resident Evil shirts. The cause of this scene was due to a protest they had against the Japanese for trying to pour mustard on them and attempting to eat them in the process. Until such an understanding is established between them and the Japanese, they will continue to spread the word about their existence and throw sushi parties at all the biggest restaurants in the state. Now, I prefer chicken dumplings but I don't think the Takeout Queue I go to would share my sympathy. Sr. Loca, I asked you to bring any news info you can find. How did that go?

"Well, I couldn't find anything relevant about the world, but today... I'm living la vida Kratos!"

*crowd applause*

What in god's name is a Karay-toes?

"Do you play video games, my friend?"

Are you going to answer my question or can we move on?

"This is serious jefe. You really don't know that Kratos is one of the most (bleep) (bleep) video game characters on the planet?"

Just a sec. Chad, did I not I tell you to send my requisition form to the studio board about removing the censors?

"The only thing I remember from this morning was having a bottle of tequilla in one hand and a PS3 controller in the other. The board's not going to take down the censors no matter many how many times you send buckets of chicken wings to their Minecraft houses."

It was my special recipe and I needed some opinions. Besides, they were the ones who begged me to put this damn news blog back on facebook. I could be a decent program and run virus software on Microsoft Access, but noooooo.

"Pardon me Sr. Anchor, but it's time we get to the second piece of news."

Carlos, I'm busy ranting on Chad to do his job.

"Yes I see that, but we're in a bit of a time slot, and you wasted almost seven minutes doing said rant. I think the next news bulletin is laying on your desk."

Alright, alright lets see what we have here. Don't try anything mischievous Chad or I'll know.

*Chad rolls his eyes*

California was annoyed to a great degree when an invasion of turkeys gobbled their way to disturb the peace. Oh, and it seems Chad found time out of his binge drinking schedule to interview a couple cops from the downtown L.A. area. My condolences ladies and gentlemen, you will not see the actual clip of him speaking of the situation. But what I can tell you-

"You (bleep) suck!" One audience member shouted as the rest of the audience joined in.

"You have quite a way of disappointing your people amigo."

Last I checked, they were your people. Now El helpo me to get these people to shut up-o.

"They may be my people, but I cannot deny them what they came here for. Don't worry jefe, I got this thing on lock."

Be quick about it then!

*clears throat* YA! *audience settles down* "Listen up! You have a right to know why I would even take this job. It's because I pity this program, this outdated computer program."

*mutters to himself* Oh lord, where's that damn tequilla?

"It's true, he has no friendly programs to hang out or drink with. Even visit a Youtube to catch a video or two, but he has taken time out of his short life span to give the people on here something to both read and laugh about. His partner Skippy Cucaracha, I'm sure you heard of him, a psychotic man at the end of his hair pulling rope, destroyed this studio along with his reputation."

*continues murmuring* Chad, where do you keep those shot glasses? *rummaging all around his desk*

"What I'm trying to say is, Anchor, if you hire me I promise to take your news blogs and make them icons for all the world to see. You're a good program deep down, you know?"

A good program; haven't been called that since Tony activated me on his main page.

"You think he will hire me, if the decision was up to him of course?"

He might, but the internet is a magical place amigo. He won't have control over me forever. To conclude the second news bulletin, Thanksgiving comes once again around Christmas time. I haven't seen so much cranberry sauce since the time twitter was invented. Oh, I just received a sudden news report that's occurring right here in the studio. That's funny, I don't see anything going on aside from the dirty looks you're giving me audience. Chad, you know what's going on? *studio fades to black* Ok, didn't expect that to happen for another month or so.

"I'll try to look for the junction box. Guys remain calm, we'll have power shortly."

Un-freaking-believable; Tony and the board promised me they were gonna fix the electrical wiring before I even started these blogs. I don't ask for much.

"Hey uh... jefe?"

"It's Frankly..."

"No one cares dip (bleep)" One audience member shouted!

Oh shut your pie hole lady! Chad, did you find the junction box?!

"Oh, I sure did." *turns power back on and suddenly Carlos shows up in an Ares costume. Audience laughs and cheers*

I better be dreaming right now; because your hair's on fire and you're wearing armor that can make The Rock blush.

"I can't stand it any longer jefe! I said earlier I was living la vida Kratos. That's why I'm here. I'm itchin' to reenact the final battle scene between he and Ares. Ladies and gentlemen, do you want to see some real action?! *audience applauds louder than ever before*

Carlos, I swear to you, you start breaking things after I just put this studio back together I'll make sure you never have a real job ever again.

"Oh yawn you sound like my former agent. Kratos get out here!"

I'm warning you, you SOB!

*Chad appears from the audience as Kratos facing Carlos next to the anchor*

What the hell...?

"YOU DESTROYED MY FAMILY ARES! BUT I HAVE BEEN BROUGHT BACK MANY TIMES TO ACCOMPLISH MY GOALS. TODAY, YOUR LIFE ENDS ON A DYING CRY!"

Chad, we talked about this. You said you were over your Laarping phase.

"Silence mortal! Kratos, your final lesson is at hand!"

*Both Chad and Carlos fight each other and continues amongst the studio, breaking everything in their way. The audience cheers as if they were in an actual arena. As blades clash against one another along with forced grunts and war cries from both characters, Chad hides behind the desk with a mic in hand*

When I interviewed him I thought I'd have an advantage having a celebrity as a co-anchor. Just my luck, all the so-called work that has gone into this studio and for what; just to have two idiots tear it apart?! At least I have a Plan B cooking up in my memory banks. Bye bye studio, I hardly knew ya. *Anchor speaks into the mic* Unfortunately, that's all the news we have today. Next week, I'll have my fourth candidate on the blog and hopefully things go smoother with him.

"That night... I was trying to make you a great warrior."

"You succeeded." Chad spoke, raising his Blades of Chaos.

Nope, he's fired! (turns off monitor)