News Blog #2: The Hive Wench

Welcome to the 7:01 news. I'm your anchor...ForTheLoveOfGodGetAwayFromMe. Boy, was last week's news update a winner, right? Am I right? Of course I'm not, that was a freaking CATASTROPHE!

It just goes to show ya the number of caramel ices lurking within a comment section on Youtube, or a pervert dropping a load on a hot Instagram selfie. In case you haven't read the first News Blog (not my finest hour), my first co-anchor candidate, Grizzy Bizzy Banana Fana Fo Fizzy, yeah, that's... his actual name. What the heck were his parents on when they named him? Anyway, he showed up on time wearing pants that nearly dropped to his ankles and a wife beater that said "Cum get sum spicy caramel" with the back of the shirt saying, "SUPPORT KIMYE!" Trust me, you've heard enough about that couple. It's irrelevant. So, this week I introduce you my second candidate with a name that's actually sane to pronounce. Fair warning: she's overly shy and has some...how do I put this? "Issues". Mimzy Doowinkle.

*pre-recorded applause playing in background*

"Hi, thanks for having me." *nervously twiddles her thumbs and looking nervous*

Take a deep breath. No one's here to judge you. Well, except me since I'm running the show while Chad is...HEY! What did I say about flirting with the interns?

"I'm Skype chattin'! I'm talkin' to my wife!"

In the middle of a News Blog?! Do you not care about deadlines?

"We're freelance, remember? Besides, I can multitask.

Chad Howler everybody; if anyone can work a camera while quick scoping a n00b on the Call of Duty simulators, it is that douche monkey over there. Sorry about that Ms. Doowinkle.

"I don't like that last name to be honest. It sounds like a reject from the Smurfs. Maybe...I am a Smurf. *shouts* CALL ME SUGAR MOMMA!!! DO IT NOW!!!

*chukles nervously* May I ask why?

"One time I was coming out of a club around two in the morning. Suddenly, this flashy colored looking guy with a cane and wizard hat wanted me to go with him to another party. I was pooped out you see? Next thing I knew our uh...you have to understand I was under the influence of some very powerful Corn Pops dust. Our bodies were entwined, kind of a strawberry twizzler and,"

Okay, no need to go into detail about your personal life. Sorry I asked. *casually looks back at her* Corn Pops, really?

"I'll never look at Raisin Bran the same way again. You know recently I found out I like Carnival clothing. Do you think it's because I'm a lesbian?"

......

"Oh the rashes...Corn Pops withdrawal. *starts scratching herself*

Lets all pretend she's a monkey. Alright in today's news, Burger King announced a State of Opportunity plan to end world hunger and keep the masses full and happy. I can't say much about their cholesterol, but I say to heck with it. Their fries are just so darn good. Great Overseer, who wrote this crap? It was day 2 of 7 of the Burger King main event where programs from far and wide can just come in, install trans fat, and be merry. Kind of like the medieval times where people crapped in the streets, ate food while the people's teeth were falling out, and when scurvy took a major blow to the castle jewels of life.

"Excuse me, I didn't catch most of that, but I know exactly how you feel. There was this one program from this motherboard private school I was so maybe gonna score with, only to find out he was some big meme maker on Youtube Central. Fat cat playing the piano anyone? *looks at phone* How come sugar daddy doesn't call anymore? My back needs a good waxing."

Mimzy, we're in the middle of a news update. Turn your phone off.

"Okay, okay *turns phone off and mocks him while his back is turned*

I saw that. This just in, while people at Burger King are singing, "It's raining fries, oh my cholesterol. It's raining fries, so saaaaalty," I'm cooped up here in the studio with another "winner" of this candidacy.

"OOH, DOES THAT MEAN I WIN?!?"

Speaking of rain *looks at Mimzy's chair* For the love of god why didn't you go to the bathroom before we started this (bleep)?! Aw, damn it the sensors. We're going to take a short break. See you in five. *sees a river running down Mimmzy's chair and towards exit studio door*

"Oh shoot, too much lemonade."

Make that twenty... (closes monitor)

(Thirty minutes later)

And we're back to give the rest of the news updates.

"Apologies for the intermission. I'm dry as a bone in case anyone didn't know. Though dry skin makes me look like a beat up snow man."

Ugh, *speaks to himself* hang in there anchor, just hang in there. Only three more candidates to go. Two rhinos in the Amazon Rain Forest were butting heads against one another to fight for control of the land. We couldn't get any footage that day because Chad over there was too afraid to get wet. *Chad gives the anchor the bird* But on the update side, an Amazonian Goddess named, Heh-heh-heh-Haenia, rose from her slumber after 3,000 years and resonated within the heart of the forest. She calmed the rhinos down by calming their minds, and telling them they are just like one another. From that day forward, the two rhinos settled their differences and started inviting other animals to populate the once desolated rain forest.Sources indicate that Haenia was never present during this struggle and just spoke her way through the animals.

Well this was a buzzkill, I can't find any comedic outlet to make this interesting. Oh, there was something I forgot to mention in the last blog. I interviewed Grizzy in asking why he wanted the job and somehow I misplaced the footage...until now. Take a look, or read.

"I wish I never pursued the life the way I did. I could've been so much more with my life. Now, I itch all over the place and I have a hankering for some hardcore bean burritos. I wonder how real ones taste outside the mainframes.

Play the clip Chad! Before I completely lose my sanity!

"Wouldn't be the first time..." Chad said under his breath.

*rolls clip* Alright, now Mr...Fizzy. I understand your "homeboys" kicked you out of the Quad Kalros outfit because you slept with another man's "beeyatch?"

*Mimzy chuckles in the background*

"Hellz yeah! What dat whack ass poser did was uncalled for. Besides, she came onto me."

Right; okay Mr. Fizzy i'm going to...

"Hey, just so it's out there, my full name is Grizzy Bizzy Banana Fana fo Fizzy my carizzy nizzy."

I'm just going to ignore everything you said to avoid further urge to counterclockwise your nuts. Let's start with why you want this job?

"My last chance in puttin' myself out there, dawg. My pops disowned me, my best friend got shot."

Well, I'm sorry. How did that happen if you don't mind me asking?

"I was playing Saints Row 2 in one of those simulators where they let you view game programs in 3D. Those (bleep) damn Brotherhoods dragged Carlos on the (bleep) (bleeping) road with a monster truck! I did errrthang to save him, man. We may not have conversed long, but I felt connected to him. Now all I got left is my girl from Cali, but she disappointed in me, y'know? I'm here to prove to her that I'm da man she loves, and I need dis job so she can hear me speak when she goes out shoppin and stuff."

Well, you're in luck. My former Co-Anchor Skippy Cucaracha went on a psycho spree as you can see all around my studio because I kept him in a duffel bag.

"You did what now?!" *end clip*

So there you have it; a lost brother looking to rekindle with his love by having a Co-Anchor job. Well, that's all the news we have for this week. Be sure to read next week's blog as I interview the third candidate. Good day, good news.

"How come you never interviewed me? I'm a good talker."

*covers mic* Mimzy, I hate to say this but I'm going to say it anyway because I'm cold. You're waaaay too open about your personal problems. This might affect your chances in being my news blog partner.

"That's not my fault. I can't help it that I have hives growing out of my feet!"

(turns off monitor)